How to be Happy - Part 3: Death

Happy birthday, this is now the 2nd blog I have written to you on your birthday as this whole site started properly last year on your 18th And since then I have published 1 post a week as I set out to do.

The hidden pages I made available to you then are still here for you to come back to anytime you want to, including this little gem displaying your artistic talents (lets face it, that all went to your sister didn't it)!

The 2nd blog about Happiness was about Strength. I wrote for your sister on her 15th, but its equally relevant for you.

My 1st blog to you was some advice about living your life and being happy. I have looked at it again and I think it all remains broadly okay. I still believe that the constant striving to be your best self is a recipe for unhappiness. You are already your best self, be happy. Thats not to say you can't have things you work towards, and I do think you should always just try and do your best and to improve if you can, but not in a way in which creates dissatisfaction.

I ended the 1st part by saying that that instead of searching for happiness let it be a side effect of leading a conscious and meaningful life. But what does that mean? Hopefully I can explain that a bit more in this blog.

In this 3rd part I am going straight to the end, its about death as I hope that it will help shed some light on what I think it may mean to live a conscious and meaningful life.

Why death? Really it is to remind you that you that life is precious, you will feel down at times, but its vital that even in those darkest moments you keep death as a distant concept. Something that will never happen. Because life is the gift that you have. No matter how difficult our first world problems seem.

Every day you are running out of time so keep taking opportunities offered to you, keep having experiences, the only moment is now, enjoy it, there is nothing else.

And really, I have nothing to say about death that has not been said better by other people. I find them all thought provoking and in some cases inspirational. Perhaps you will to, so here are a few things....

Derren Brown - Happy - Projects

Reading the Derren Brown book, Happy, gave rise to much of what I say here and in Part 1, and thats because I think he was spot on, and explained it in a really relevant way, even though much of what he was saying was rooted in ancient Greek philosophy.

The only reason anything has meaning is because our time is limited. If you had unlimited time and health, you could live every version of your life over and over again. You have no urgency to any project you take up because you have endless time. You could become a concert pianist, a stunt man, a film star, anything, because time is unlimited, and then you can do it over and over again, every possibility, endlessly. Ultimately, there is no meaning in that, there is no urgency, because no clock is ticking.

There is only meaning because time is running out to complete your projects.

The other point is, what projects are worthwhile? I guess they change at different stages in your life but ultimately we are story tellers. Its one side of our brain that creates the book of our life in our head, and its not the side that experiences reality, its the side that creates the story based on the version of reality that we want to write.

To be meaningful, your story has to be funny, fulfilling, entertaining, and of meaning to you, some parts of your story may be deeply tragic, but also about how you moved on and overcame that.

In terms of whether to pursue a project, have a look at what the best, the most likely, and the worst outcomes could be, if it’s all still worth pursuing the goal no matter which of these outcomes arise, go for it. And when any of them are achieved. Know it’s been worth it. Working towards things you want to do, and not being put off from what you want to do is the way to live a meaningful life.

Ultimately, life is short and you only have a limited amount of time to do the things you plan on doing. So in the time you have strive to make those projects fun and worthwhile and make them contribute to your story. Things you can look back upon and smile and be proud of or things that count, to you.

This whole approach is very stoic. Only you can only control your thoughts and feelings. Exactly what is being said in the Invictus poem.

A great example of stoicism is Grampy. When he got his scan to say he was clear of cancer his response was “it doesn’t matter either way does it”. Lol. Very stoic, if slightly annoying for people around him who do care about him. Of course it matters. But to him, what will be will be.

Remember Marcus Aurelius' private diaries, he said, lower your expectations. This is very true of other people, but even more true of you and your internal expectations of yourself. Try hard. But don't set your internal bars so high that everything becomes a disappointment. Manage your expectation.

It’s not the man who has little but the one who always want more, who is poor.

Seneca (almost)

Dead Poets Society - Carpe Diem

When I was your age I remember watching a film called Dead Poets Society and really liking it. Obviously, over time, the film looks a bit cheesy now, but I still like it. The teacher (Robin Williams - amazing actor) was trying to inspire the class to live their lives to their fullest.

“remember boys, we are food for worms…”

Derek - Ricky Gervais

I also think Ricky Gervais captured the spirit of a life lived in his comedy Derek, set in an old peoples home. I have tried to force you to watch it, you should, its all about being nice, and perhaps that is key to living your best life. But if you don't want to watch it, watch this clip.

"Now I can't climb the stairs, Pieces missing everywhere, Prozac, painkillers"

Radiohead - Bones

My Quick Tips For Life

Remember that I said in my quick tips for life that every relationship will end, thats just how it is, that includes the relationship you have with yourself.

The other thing to remember is that nothing lasts forever, including you. We all assume that our last day is decades away, but it could be tomorrow, we just don’t know, but it means that you need to make today count.

In my quick tips for life I said “journey happily, that is better than arriving successfully”. This does apply to travel and holidays but sometimes the best journeys aren't measured in miles, perhaps the most important journey is the one we are on towards death.

When you arrive at that destination, arriving successfully is the most irrelevant thing ever. Who cares if you're a billionaire, or if you won the lottery, or if you ran the country. On your death bed, your success and your money is totally irrelevant. No one will care about your Facebook posts or the number of times you went to the gym, or your six pack, all that will matter to you is the journey, and the love and laugher you gave and received along the way.

Bronnie Ware - Top 5 Regrets of the Dying

This post here from Bronnie Ware, the palliative care nurse who asked all her dying patients about their regrets sums up the importance of money and jobs once they have the clarity of vision that their final days give.

Unsurprisingly, on their death bed, no one regrets not having the latest iPhone or designer clothes or the best car. For her patients, its too late. For you, its not.

But what she tells us is something that’s been known since ancient Greek times and that is, gathering material wealth, seeking adulation from people around you, negative thoughts and self doubts do not help you lead a constructive and happy life.

If you can make more of the days on your journey happy and fulfilling than not, but also accept that some days will be bloody awful, then you have a life that was lived, if you loved and were loved along the way that can also help, make each day count.

Lessons from the Death Zone - Philip Gould

Have a watch of this video by a guy who was once chief advisor to Tony Blair about the focus death gives you.

“This is the most exciting and extraordinary journey of my life, my only regret is that it ends, I’d like to be on this journey with you almost forever and a day.“

Philip Gould, Lessons from the Death Zone

Reimagining Capitalism- Rebecca Henderson

I borrowed an audio book from the library last year. It was called Reimaging Capitalism by Rebecca Henderson. I wasn't expecting much but it was a really good book. She has a corporate finance and accounting background so in her day to day work is very close to the version of capitalism we live in yet was arguing for a change in approach which was really in line with what I think needs to happen. It was a good book.

Then it got to the last 15 minutes of the book and she suddenly swerved in a totally unexpected way which really moved me. I have uploaded a recording to YouTube here. Have a listen to it if you have the time.

"...its not death that's the tragedy, its failing to live that's the tragedy...everybody dies...but not everybody lives"

Rebecca Henderson in Reimagining Capitalism

Steve Jobs

And this one that I've made you watch over and over again.

"Death is very likely the single best invention of life"

Steve Jobs

My Funeral

Although this blog was written a few months ago (see below) on 12 October you did ask me in your jokey loving way, whilst thinking about how you'd spend your inheritance, what kind of funeral I would like. Knowing I had written this I said wait for this blog and see. These are my thoughts that I had already written when you asked me.

I have always said that I want to be embalmed and stuffed, dressed in my wet suit, trainers, mounted on my bike, and put in front of your TV, grinning. Annoying you and Z even in death, and for some reason that amuses me. But perhaps its not realistic.

You know I don’t believe in burials, so cremation is fine. I don’t really make friends or have deep connections with a wide range of people but I am hoping that you and Z can help me (and Jer) avoid what the Japanese call 'kodokushi'.

I don't care who turns up to any funeral so do what you and Z want to do that suits you both. Its not about me. Keep it minimal, keep it cheap, keep it environmentally friendly. I don’t want to be centre of attention, so don’t do that to me.

Funerals have songs, and some songs really connect to me emotionally, and some hit you right in the heart and soul, but only in a moment, before passing.... over the years there must have been a few songs, so everything is a bit of the moment and feelings change, but I guess, if I was choosing songs for my funeral today, it would be the following for these reasons.

Yellow - Coldplay

This song for one reason, and thats because it reminds me of you being a small boy.

When you were a baby, your mum and I used to love watching The Royle Family. When Dave and Denise had baby, David, they stood over his cot singing a lullaby, but it was actually a version of Radiohead's No Surprises.

I bought a CD of other current tunes turned into lullaby's and used to play them to you, most nights when I was putting you to bed, I would sing you the lullaby version of Yellow, by Coldplay and I told you I wrote it for you. You used to love it.

I remember you growing up and hearing it again and it brought tears to your eyes, either because I was so painful to listen to because of my awful singing, or because it reminded you of those times we had together when you were a small boy.

These are irreplaceable moments that are now just part of our journey. If I could live those moments over and over again for eternity, I would.

Heros - Peter Gabriel

This was really because of binge watching Stranger Things with Z. I really enjoyed the program even though it’s all monsters and things.

And it’s not just the program I enjoyed, it was sitting through that and sharing it with Z and her giving me all the off screen information about the actors, that was one of those priceless moments in life that passes relatively unnoticed and which as a kid you probably don’t think is such a big deal, but as a parent, its the thing you would live over and over again if you were given the chance.

It’s. Bowie song so it’s amazing anyway, but this cover is really heartfelt, I guess that with it set over that scene with the double meaning of Hopper talking to Eleven from beyond the grave and also knowing it should have been his daughter rather than Eleven, and the struggle he had in trying to protect Eleven, while trying to let her turn into a woman and grow up, but as a dad knowing that means you lose that ability to shield your daughter from the world, and that hurts.

Watching a scene like that really triggers the feelings of love and the bonds that are just woven into your heart.

Then after that, I don’t need my ashes scattered anywhere or anything like that, throw them away, its not me and its not relevant.

And at least the speeches will be easy. “He watched more repeats of Alan Partridge than any other human beings on the planet” then perhaps throw in a Partridge quote but attribute it to Martin Luther King;

“Seems to me, he lived his life, not as a candle in the wind, but like an oil rig flare stack in a North Sea Gail“

Martin Luther King (Alan Partridge)

And perhaps, if you can get someone to do a speech or sing a tune, what about this guy doing this at your funeral! Just wow!

I just want you to know that I will be with you and your sister in everything you do. Whenever you need me, think of me, think of what I may do or say to help you, then get the strength you need to move forward and live your life to the fullest, that’s the only thing I want. You and Z to lead a long and happy life and to overcome set backs and dark feelings.

Oh, and get the password to this sites account so you can either continue it, preserve it, or scrap it, its your choice. I don't mind either way. Its your decision not mine.

Anyway, let’s hope this is all some way off.

Epilogue

I have written this blog now, way before your birthday, its actually 17 June 2021 right now, you are currently down in London with friends, lockdown is easing, the sun is out, and I’m sitting here worrying about you even though you’re an adult! The blog is now scheduled and ready to be sent on the Friday before your birthday, although I will continue to edit and revise it before it’s sent.

Death is an an odd subject for a 19 year old, I know, but I think its worth thinking about to try and make sure you make the most of every day, that is, to live a meaningful and purposeful life.

Happy Birthday, love you forever.