How to be Happy - Part 2: Strength

For my daughter as she turns 15.....

Back in December I did Part 1 of How to be happy. It was on your brothers birthday but it all applied equally to you. It’s my efforts at trying to help you both be happy, feel happy, and achieve everything you want to achieve.

Writing advice to you feels a bit more difficult than your brother because I’m writing about my journey in life. And that journey has been as a man (so far, you never know, I could change that for Instgram fame) and that means I have no experience of what it’s like as a woman. I know from watching you that it’s not easy and to me it seems easier to be a man than a woman. However, there are lots of things on my journey that are also very relevant to you. Especially given that we are very similar characters (unfortunately for you!)

Firstly, I need to apologise to you, because I feel that I have have seriously failed you in your journey so far. I never gave you heroin, but I probably did something worse, I gave you a phone. Without realising it you and I are both living in a huge social experiment and I think the direction of that experiment is going the wrong way. Within your generation I think the device is driving depression, addiction, anxiety, negative self worth, over sexualisation plus a lack of activity and worse, all in a way in which none of us have ever experienced before.

So with this in mind, my advice for you on your birthday is this:

Take Control

Understand that your phone is desperate for your attention. In fact its a clever phsycologial manipulation tool thats equally as addictive as nicotine. When you give it attention, some white men in America become even richer while leaving other people worse off, don’t help this unfairness. Be in control of it. Evaluate what positive things you can get from it e.g. connection with friends, and don't worry about giving it attention for that. But look up from your phone and tell yourself that you will give it attention when you want to, be in control. Don't mindlessly scroll, instead, communicate with friends, do the positive things that your phone allows you to do, then do other things just to show your phone who is in charge. Working on this, I think, will help you manage other aspects of your life as well and it will mean you regain control. Do it, trust me, you’ll feel so much better for it.

Be Strong

By being strong I mean mentally strong. To be mentally strong involves taking some ownership of your problems and not letting your problems overwhelm you. Being strong also means talking to people about your problems even when it feels difficult. Being strong means asking for help when you need to. Being strong sometimes means admitting you might be the problem. But being strong also means going through steps of owning the problem, “I have a problem, I want to do something about this problem, I have the power to do something to solve this problem, I will take those steps”.

If you feel down or overcome with the pressure of life or hormones, its normal, never despair, speak to people around you who love you and be strong, but take ownership, take control and make minor changes to recover how you feel. Even if you only take small steps and if it takes a while, stick with it.

Don't Take Shit

Don't take shit from anyone. Certainly no one should ever hit you. But also, not one should ever give you abuse verbally or online. No one should ever make you feel like doing something that you don't want to do. Don't ever let someone make you feel no good, or second best and don’t ever look to someone else to make you feel good. Always walk away if you don't feel okay over a prolonged period of time. Always reach out and talk to me if you feel you are in a situation like this.

Whilst other people can make you feel bad, the voice inside your head can sometimes be the worst critic and be the one that makes you feel bad. Thats the voice you live with daily. So my advice to you is to treat it like another person. Listen to what it says but then also evaluate what its saying independently. If its saying that something you're doing is no good, or that you're no good, think about it rationally, do you really need to listen to that voice? What if its wrong, it probably is. What if that was being said to you by another person, you'd probably tell them to f-off, so why don't you do the same to this voice?

Life is hard enough without taking shit from your own inner dialogue, so get that in perspective, get it in check, and teach yourself tools and skills for dealing with it.

Don't Seek Likes

Girls are encouraged to seek attention and validation for themselves online. You do not need to do this. You are a beautiful wonderful girl, your phone cannot and does not need to confirm this. Do not get into that world. I do not believe it is empowering for women to be seeking this online validation, I think that is just a corrosive narrative by men while still helping other men get rich from social media, why encourage this. Surely one way to help keep women safe is not to be part of this world?

When you think about social media likes, ask yourself why you are seeing it and who benefits from it? I'm sure you may think that some girls do benefit from it financially and we do see celebrities who make money from being online. You may also know of friends in bedrooms who also benefit from online likes. There might be some examples of this that you can say are true examples of strong feminists, but in my opinion, you can be an example of a strong woman without doing this, I do not think this is female empowerment, I think that is a con that helps social media make more money, so I would caution you strongly about doing anything or sharing anything online, whether with friends or strangers that would make you feel awkward if it got inadvertently shared.

I'm not saying its wrong or anything to be ashamed of, I'm just saying, stay in control of it and don't feel the need to get your validation from electronic likes, it will never help in the long run. And if anything ever goes wrong for you relating to this, talk to me straight away, I will support you and protect you, I will never judge you for your decisions.

Give But Be Cautious about Giving

Like your brother you have a strong inbuilt sense of injustice and you also have a natural inclination to support the underdog, to fix people and make people feel better about themselves. This is a wonderful trait and you should never change this. In fact you and your brother could end up pursuing careers where this is part of what you do as its a natural gift you both have. Helping people who cannot help themselves. This is such a positive thing but it comes with a downside which is that you can get so involved in helping others you fail to help yourself.

The downside of supporting the underdog is that it will make you unpopular. You may find yourself in situations where the majority of people are shouting at you telling you what an awful person you are. This happens when people stand up for their beliefs and for what they think is right when it is not the mainstream view. This doesn’t make you wrong, but it does mean that it could break you. You have to be aware that because of the type of person you are, you need to be even stronger to be able to stand up and defend people you think need defending whilst having no defence yourself.

The other negative to be aware of is that being a giving person means that people who take, spot that about you, connect to you and take from you. And the giving person you are continues to give, the taking person continues to take, often becoming less and less appreciateive of what they are being given, and perhaps becoming more resentful of what they are being given. This can happen because they can see what they are getting, they cannot reciprocate because they are too selfish, but they want more and more from you to make up their own shortcomings, and you just cannot give anymore, sometimes people you think love you may end up hating you merely because you are too good and too nice. So you need to be aware of this.

You need to monitor what you give and be confident in that what you give to other people it is always enough and it is their problem - not yours - if they feel its not enough. You can give the help or support or love that you want, but do it on your terms and know the value of what you do. Don’t be vulnerable to someone else demanding more from you, and be strong enough to walk away if their demands, unreasonableness, or ungratefulness become too much for you. If you don’t do this, then continually giving makes you a doormat, and people will walk all over your without regard for you, and you will not be able to sustain this for a long period of time, it will break you. Don’t let this happen to you.

Sometimes being selfish is acceptable, and sometimes giving to yourself is necessary before you can give to others. A starving mother cannot feed her children, so she needs to eat first.

Be Resilient

In summary, with all of these things, I am saying, be resilient. Every day life can throw challenges at you, or it can feel that way, but there is actually truth in saying that sometimes, its how you think or approach something that makes it good or bad. Henry Ford once said something like “whether you think you can or can’t, you’re generally right”. And this is the same sentiment thats in Invicitus here. I find that reading this helps me, find your own thing that helps you and come back to it whenever you need to.

Own Your Story

Finally, own your story. What do I mean by this? I mean that when something happens in life you will create a story about it. That thing which happens might be good, or it might be bad. However, how you weave it into your story is something which you have a choice over.

Obviously there are some things in life which are upsetting or bad. I’m not saying that you should ignore this or pretend it never happens. What I am saying is that you can bring it into your story in a more positive way. Let me give you an example. If I go to the gym regularly and my fitness improves and I do a running event and it goes really well, obviously this will naturally fit into my story in a positive way. I will feel good about it all.

If I injure myself and it stops me training, I could weave it into my story as a huge negative disaster. Or, I could look at the impact and weave this into my story as something which brought unexpected changes which were interesting to learn from, different, and ultimately positive, despite the setback of the injury. Perhaps I discovered for myself how to recover from injury. It’s a positive story. How I write that story is my choice, it could be a good story full of positives, or it could be a good story with negatives and setbacks that I have overcome, or it could be a disaster story, its my choice how I frame it all.

So next time when something negative happens, or whenever hormones drive you towards negativity, or when you don’t go for a walk and feel bad about yourself, accept that as part of your life, but weave it into your story as a positive, it shows how resilient you are and what a strong woman you are that you face these difficulties. That’s positive.

And Finally And never forget that I love you enormously. Always keep that in your story and know I am here for you always, always come to me if you need help or if a disaster befalls you. We can sort anything together.

Happy Birthday, don’t forget your favourite phrase Karen, “Live Laugh Love”