How To Be Happy - Part 1: The Search

Advice to my 18 year old son...

I think the question that has always plagued me is happiness and how I can be happy and at times I have failed miserably at being happy. It makes me question the purpose of life and what we need to do to find a purpose and happiness. As I write this, I am aware that you seem better at this than me. You seem to have your thoughts and your views very much aligned and in place much more than I ever did, and perhaps still do. Despite this, I am still going to try and explain my view to you just in case it is helpful in any way.... but it will take time, and I will have to keep adding to it!

I think my view on happiness has changed these last 10 years. I think I felt I was constantly searching for something new, bigger, better, different. With hindsight, this is a recipe for unhappiness. Since then I have tried to work out what the recipe for happiness is if it isn't bigger, better, more.

My conclusion is that the first step towards happiness is to stop searching for it. Stop searching but also, stop expecting it as well. This may sound strange but I will explain what I mean. I am coming to the conclusion that one reason we (we being wealthy people in the West who have no reason to be unhappy) are unhappy and dissatisfied is because of a way modern culture has been framed with the backdrop of American positivity and ‘being the best‘ culture.

I want to say that I am not anti-American. The opposite, I think its an amazing country. But like nearly all things, its like a coin, every good side comes with a bad, the good side should be encouraged and allowed to flourish, the bad minimised.

American culture enshrines happiness in its declaration of Independence from the United Kingdom, the second paragraph says:

“...all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.”

American Declaration of Independence

One side of this coin is amazing and I totally agree with the sentiment, liberty and equality for all. This is a gift to the world that Americans articulated perfectly here. The flip side is a belief that we have a right to happiness. Before this, if you were a peasant, or a servant, you knew your place. You didn’t aspire to anything greater and you were happy with your lot.

We still see this today whenever we see cultures removed from modern society. People who live simple lives without the essentials we believe we need, like iPhones, cars, foreign holidays. These people expect nothing, want for nothing other than what they have and are happier than us. Our culture is one where we have conquered war, famine and disease, we have everything we need to live a happy life, yet we are unhappier and people commit suicide far more than in these simple cultures who want for less.

Remember that wanting for more is something that occurs because other people have something. By other people I mean your peers. You don’t compare yourself to Bill Gates and don’t care whether he has 2 yachts or 3. You compare yourself to your peers and either want what they have, or want more or feel dissatisfied if you have less. You compare yourself to them and this is a recipe for unhappiness. Your desires for more can never be satisfied. You will always want more.

I would also say, lower your expectations of other people and situations. Marcus Aurelius wrote in his private journals:

​​He was reminding himself daily, to lower his expectations of others, and by lowering his expectations of them, he would decrease the chance for him to be disappointed or unhappy. The same goes for you. Lower your expectations of yourself and your happiness will increase. If you worry about passing the next exam or getting a high grade you will just become unhappy. Lower your expectation while at the same time working hard. Then be grateful with what you achieve.

So this is the first part of my advice on how to find meaning, happiness and purpose in life, in summary:​

• Stop searching for happiness, its not a realistic expectation and its not a human right, sometimes life is shit.

• Want the things you already have. Cherish the value in your current possessions and the journey you have been on together, rather than the temporary enjoyment you may get from a new item.

• Lower your expectations, of others and yourself.

This may sound pessimistic and negative but I don’t believe it is. I was really impressed when you broke your iPhone. You didn’t want to replace it, nor want a new one, and when it was beyond repair you didn’t want the latest and the best to replace it. This is an amazing attitude. The best iPhone will only give you a temporary feeling of happiness. Then when a new one is released with new features, that source of happiness becomes a source of disappointment. How better to view it instead as a friend you don’t want to end your journey with.

Does this mean I am giving up on happiness? Not in the slightest, in fact I think this is a recipe for being happier. It just happens to be a side effect from leading a conscious and meaningful life, rather than something to search for and expect.

So this leads us to the next questions. What is a conscious and meaningful life? What does that mean? For that, you'll have to wait for my next instalment.